he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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