i barfeds in our rink
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
