i think my tv is drunk
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
