Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
