The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize