that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
