i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
