I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
