he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
