i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I love having hate sex.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
