I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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