just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
