Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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