i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
