Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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