She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize