I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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