she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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