just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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