my phone needs a breathalizer
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's shark week go big or go home
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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