Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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