I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
