so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
