idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
