He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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