White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
