WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize