Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
