if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
bring money and cleavage
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
