can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
