if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
