I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
