Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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