So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
