ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
