I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I touched a dick in church today
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