I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
