Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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