So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
