so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
