im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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