We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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