who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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