i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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