I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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