I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I deserve this hangover.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
