u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
