It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize