so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
