They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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