Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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