omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
