Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
