Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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