She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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