dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
