I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This is the high leading the old right now
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
