Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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