Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
please come you make the beer taste better
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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