I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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